Advice Time: a timewaster question!
I get asked for advice a lot and feel like sometimes I should post it HERE so that if anyone else is interested in reading it then it is available. So, there was a Findomme asking a question in a fetlife findom group (not asking ME personally, just asking for input). I am obviously not going to put the NAME of the Domme here and also I am going to sort of paraphrase her question. Keep in mind there might be a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes/typos on MY end since I was typing my answer all fast like a bat out of hell because I had so much thoughts on the subject lol. SO, here it goes:
DOMME's QUESTION, paraphrased:
...a sub I had been talking to (we had had some nice conversations in the past) expressed interest in financial domination. I'm new to findom and not very experienced in it yet. He requested a "draining session" and I proceeded to drain him but he never paid into my account. I said I wanted payment before going further and he asked for a sort of contract for payment, so I sent one and he STILL didn't pay into my account. He STILL didn't pay me, so I "removed" the contract. Then I pressed him about why he didnt pay and he said he needed this contract again to feel right about it. He STILL didn't pay...
and so on. Most of you reading this can probably see where this is going. And NO that is NOT exactly what she said in her question in the findom group but I paraphrased it and left in the most important and telling parts. I thought it was something a LOT of dommes might encounter-especially if new to findom-and so I decided to write about it some here. So here are MY thoughts on her particular situation as well as that type of situation in general.
MY THOUGHTS ON THIS SUBJECT (and having time wasted in general):
In my personal opinion he made it pretty clear early on that he was NOT paying you. EVER. He might have wanted the FEELING of that type of play so he let you "drain" him and probably jerked off to the whole thing and was going to let you do it as long long as he can get away with. IN this case if a Domme keeps talking to him he KNOWS he doesn't have to pay her! WHY? He is getting everything he wants without HAVING to pay. he is getting the conversation, he is getting the FEELING of being drained without actually having to cough up the money. And the conversation and play continue whether he pays or not, so why should he bother, etc. He doesn't HAVE to pay really for it to continue. This is pretty much the classic version of what we call a "timewaster."
The BAD news? Your time is being wasted by someone who has NO intent of giving you what YOU want from it. The GOOD news? it is a learning experience/lesson on your end. YES you got screwed, but you got a taste of something and now know you will not go for that again. No one can really pull the same type of trick on you again unless you are at rock-bottom desperation and LET them. now it sucks, BUT this is something pretty much every domme before and after you will have happen and learn to deal with (or something similar). So don't feel bad, this is the kind of thing that happens to pretty much every Domme online ever. Feeling bad about it is ONLY if you let it happen again, and no reason for that.
You GAVE your time freely and didn't have to. you trusted this person would honor their end and they didn't. This is a hard lesson of course BUT now you have the knowledge of what kinds of things can happen and you WONT let it again.
The real question is WHY did you let it happen and keep talking to him even after he CLEARLY was not going to play along. was it because you were enjoying the conversation and having fun? If so that's great! you DID get something from it (maybe not what you wanted, but hell, fun is fun) so it is not technically a total loss. Did you continue talking because you were afraid you might "lose" him? What loss would it be really though? A sub who lies to you and doesn't respect what you're trying to do and basically is willing to USE you for their own entertainment no matter how it wastes your time or makes you feel? THAT is someone who doesn't deserve your time, so it is NO LOSS to say bye-bye and mean it.
When you are online you cannot exactly control the person on the other end. you can ISSUE control but will they accept it and go along? Now THAT is harder to get going. So what CAN you control???? YOU! You can control HOW MUCH time you give this person and how many chances. Technically timewasters can only waste a Domme's time if she GIVES it to him. make him work harder to get it! What has he done to deserve it? NOTHING. HE has to prove himself in some manner to YOU. YOU are in charge. YOU make those demands and if he doesn't DO what you demanded your choice is to continue to let him NOT do it or to move on. For example, require a small amount of money PRIOR to the drain session. That way if he doesn't cough it up as you "drain" him then you got a little something for your time and it is no loss. what if he refuses that small "deposit"? Well, if he will not pay THAT small lil amount then why would he bother doing it for REAL as the session is happening. That small deposit is his way of VERIFYING he is real and means to do as he says he will. People who want to pay, PAY.
Never be afraid to tell someone to fuck off if they are not holding up to your standards. It is all you have. Be FAIR on your end of course. Be fair to the subs! But be fair to YOU, too.
That was My thoughts on that subject. Note, SHE never mentioned the term timewaster....I did. But we all know that was basically what she was dealing with. I wish her the very best of luck. She seemed nice and of course did NOT deserve to be given the run-around like that. I hope that what she is able to take away from this experience is HOW she is willing to let herself be treated and how she will NOT let herself be treated. There can be a steep learning curve in findom online, but the hope is that once you have a bad experience then it does not happen again because you have the KNOWLEDGE of what is not acceptable. and really, as people we don't always know how we WANT to be treated (or NOT treated) until we have had someone treat us that way. So every mistake is a lesson, some hard lessons but still we learn what we will and won't put up with in a situation. I know some of you reading this will totally relate! That is why I decided to put My thoughts on the subject in this blog.